Road Putzes

Thor: What can put man in a more foul mood than worthless, stupid, idiotic drivers who cause untold amounts of trouble while driving somewhere they didn't need to go in the first place. I've met people who believe in the horrible congestion of traffic and, simultaneously, believe that they are driving the only car within a 100 miles.
If it's not an old man wearing a hat going 35 in the fast lane, then it's a soccer mom who's too busy handing out juice boxes to notice that her Hummer is taking up 3 lanes, or some frat boy who thinks normal driving entails dodging in front of pretty much everyone on the road. How many times has one of these naif's passed you on the left and then nearly taken off your hood ornament in his effort to get over to exit ramp on the right? And a trucker who's not an addict is a rare bird indeed. Especially the truckers who haul dirt and rock around to construction sites. We don't give disturbed junior high students automatic weapons, so what possesses us to give a brain-dead sociopath the keys to a 20 ton truck loaded with torn up asphalt? One of the reasons I don't believe in evolution is that if Darwin were right, the stupid-driver gene would have bred itself out of the pool by now. Surely these people don't live all that long, and if they do happen to reproduce, I'm sure the state takes the children away.

My next invention is going to be a roof-mounted bazooka so that I can blast a safe path for myself through traffic. I bet State Farm would give me a discounted rate for installing such a safety device.

But worse, and the point of today's ranting, is the Road Putz. A true Putz doesn't just drive 10 or 15 mph below the speed limit, but also speeds up just as you try to get around him. He rolls along prating on his cell phone or lost in a reverie, or singing along with his radio at the top of his lungs, competely unengaged with whether he's operating his deadly machine competently. But when you try to pass him, he blinks and comes to for a second. "Huh-YUCK! I reckon I'm goin' a bit slow. I better step on it."

It usually happens a couple miles before your exit. He's in the right lane and going exactly the speed limit. You slow down intending to follow him the short distance to the ramp rather than pass him like a frat boy. But then he starts slowing down. He's careful about this. If he slows down too fast, you'll have time and motivation to pass him and still make the exit. He keeps getting slower, but then again, the ramp is coming right up. Very frustrating. Finally, you stomp on the gas, since he's going only 25 mph now. But then the bastard does his little "wake up" routine, and accelerates to the speed limit again. You either miss the ramp or, more likely, do some sort of dangerous road-acrobatics to make your exit. Putz. Stupid putz. Stupid DMV that gave them a license. Stupid cops that won't shoot their tires out.

So guess what happened to me on the way to work this morning.

Tyr: I hope that was cathartic for you, my brother. You could just take the bus. I agree, of course, that the DMV is way too free about handing out licenses. And I like the bazooka idea. Here's my plan for a better future: Raise the driving age from 16 to 21. There are so many good reason for doing this and so many good results.

1. These delinquents need to be learning how to spell, punctuate, add fractions and find France on a globe, and this would sure give them time to do that. Instead of driving around pointlessly all afternoon and evening and night and early morning, or (if they actually have responsible parents who don't pay for their gas and insurance) working 20 hours a week as wage slaves to their vehicles, they could be catching the USA up to the rest of the world in academics.

2. The fuel savings for America would be tremendous, thereby ending the war in Iraq and pre-empting future possible wars in the Middle East.

3. Drug traffic would slow considerably since teen vehicles are the main transport device.

4. Teen pregnancy would plummet without ready access to backseats.

5. Traffic would be remarkably less congested. Not only that, but it becomes less congested by dint of taking the worst drivers off the road.

6. Adults who really need jobs, will be able to get them because A. The kids won't need them anymore and B. They won't be able to drive to them.

7. It would strike a very satisfying blow against the godless insurance companies.

8. Think of all the young lives that would be saved.

9. Perhaps best of all: Adults don't have car stereos that can flatten downtown just by turning up the base.

10. With these impressionable youth walking and biking more, we'd could win the war against obesity
by instilling such healthy habits.

11. Kids would have to learn self-responsibity at an early age, since getting themselves around would involve some advance planning. They might have to do chores before getting bus fare or a ride to the mall.

There just isn't any downside to this plan. The only thing preventing its implementation is the strong insurance and car sales (and repair) lobby. These black-hearted souls, rather than save tens of thousands of young lives, would rather take their money and put a weapon of self-destruction in their hands. And there's the soccer mom lobby, consisting of women who so exhausted themselves in overparenting their babies that they have no energy left to finish raising their kids. "Here the keys, take care of yourself." We'd have to fight them pretty hard.

Finally, all these kids drink, drive and kill themselves, and our response is to take away their beer rather than their car. Yet clearly the car is the dangerous thing here. If a guy was drinking and shooting up the street, would we take away his booze or his gun first?

Summary: Our driver's licenses have magnetic strips on the back. Our cars have computers in them. How about a slot in the dash that reads the license before the car can start?

Prosit,
Tyr and Thor