The 3F Rule

Thor: On the great universal list of health foods, constructed in order of healthiness, pizza is really close to the bottom. And I gotta' say, in terms of this list, I'm a bottom feeder. Ice cream, booze, burritos, cheescake, bratwurst inhabit my end of the health food list. I'm not alone here in my assessment. Nobody, in a quest for "a healthy meal" chooses pizza. So I'm very annoyed when I have to share a pizza with someone who wants to dress it up like health food. The finest pizza ever invented was the pepperoni pizza. It has everything you want out of pizza, and nothing you don't want (unless you're in a healtnut mood.) Why mess with perfection? It should be a felony to stack peppers, onions, seafood, jalepenos, or pinapple on a perfectly innocent pizza.

That's the 3F rule: No fruits, fungus or fish. Fungus is the worst. I hate mushrooms. I learned to hate them when I was a child and I've perfected my utter loathing of mushrooms into my adult life. If someone wants mushrooms on their pizza, then fine. But why push your religion down my throat? I've had the following conversation at least 12,000 times:

Self-absorbed airhead: Make sure you order mushrooms on the pizza.

Me: I hate mushrooms.

SAAH: But there good.

Me: You used the wrong "they're", and if you think they're good, fine. I hate them.

SAAH: But their gooooooooood.

Me: I'm not getting mushrooms on my half of the pizza.

SAAH: But you can hardly taste them!!

Me: (long pause) How can something you can hardly taste be "goooooooood"?

This is how I know it's a cult. Something tasteless tastes good. So good, in fact, that we have to get in a knock down fight over whether to spend an extra 50 cents to have them added to the pie. The Secret Brotherhood of Mushroom Fanatics is on a holy jihad to force everyone to eat fungus. It's like Dawn of the Dead. Once they stuff a mushroom down your throat, you become another willing zombie, helping to spread their disease.

Tyr: Yup. Consistency goes a long way. And I mean "consistency" in two ways. First, the consistency of a baked mushroom is indistinguishable from a body-tempurature slice of raw chicken liver. (And, due to an unfortunate prank played upon me by a certain sibling, I actually know this for a fact.) Second, humans should strive to be logically consistent. If a large group of "friends" descends upon Gatti's Pizza, they have to have their little meeting about how many pizzas to get and what to get on them. Some folks gotta' have surpreme, some have to have peppers and mushrooms. Then I insist on ordering at least 1/2 a pizza with just pepperoni (or double pepperoni, I'm not picky.) And what happens? We're on our 3rd pitcher of beer, and when I to the restroom to give some back, the pizza comes. By the time I return to the table, the plain pepperoni is gone.

Actions speak louder than words, and by their actions, everyone has confessed that I'm right about what the best sort of pizza is. Mr. Supreme hogged down two of my slices before he had any of the veggie slop he insisted on ordering. I should slice off his head and retrieve my pepperoni. Even in it's masticated condition, it would be more palitable than that pinapple crap that nobody's touching.

In summary: Eat your own damn pizza.

Thor and Tyr