Marathons

Thor: There are some things that just need to be said, and I have two things to say about runners. Remarkably, both things I have to say are negative. Actually, necessarily, both things are negative. Runners operate under the delusion that running 1. is noble, 2. is interesting, 3. is interesting to watch, 4. makes one into an icon. None of these things are true. Mankind has invented all sorts of sports which involve coordination, practice and skill. Tennis, archery, football, even skeet. Who are today's runners? They are the inept clods who couldn't make 3rd string in any high school sport. Any doofus with two legs can run (although many of them look pretty dorky while doing it.) Notice a couple things. First, all of these guys are long distance runners. Sprinting takes coordination. Second, notice that the majority of most running clubs consists of math professors and engineers. Heck, half of marathon runners have pocket protectors on their jerseys. Runners are not athletes. Anymore than someone who majors in "shop" is an academic.

Runners are also not all that bright, despite their inherent nerdy-ness. I tried running once, and after the 10th step, I was pretty bored with how things were going. I calculate that a runner takes about 45,000 steps, all identical, during the course of a single marathon. And these guys practice every day. It is likely that anyone who's concentration can be held by such mind-numbing repetition is also very fascinated my small shiny objects.

Bottom line: Running is the very dregs of sport and exercise, and runners are the very dregs of the intelligensia.

The second negative thing concerns runners' egos. If running were really a sport or exercise, then these puffed up morons could hold their events out in the country somewhere, instead of insisting that an entire city shut down while they block off every major street so that a handful of the lowest ranks of society can parade their sorry asses through town. Several million people, who have worthwhile things to do, can't achieve a simple thing like driving to church or the mall or the post office, because as soon as these dolts spot a well-travelled route, they move their circuit to block it. "That way, more people can see us." Yep, it's not about running, it's about visibility.

Tyr: I used to live along a popular marathon route. At some obnoxious hour in the early morning, I'd get woke up by the tiny handful of rooters, consisting of a few family members, who think it helps the runners if they whoop and clap as they go by. (And, in fact, as Thor said, it's not about the running, it's about the whooping.)

But I think the worst thing is the mess they leave behind. Our church is right along the main marathon route, and they always set up a drink station right there. The next day, we have to have a work day to pick up all the empty paper cups. These guys seem to have the ability to snatch a drink on the run without spilling too much, but can't be bothered to pitch the empty cup into a barrel. I guess they're just way too important to have to clean up after themselves.

My dad's pastor, in Des Moines, was being prevented from getting to his church one Sunday morning because of a marathon. Even though there was no one coming, the cop wouldn't let him drive across the intersection. Finally the rather elderly cleric declared, "This is America; you can't stop me from going to church!" and gunned it across the street. We should all send that church a large donation.

In summary: If you can't play racket ball, then get a treadmill and commit your running in the privacy of your own home.

Tyr and Thor